I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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