shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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