u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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