so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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