Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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