the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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