You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
