wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Four minutes until I can fart!
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
