life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
