idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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