You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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