How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
