you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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