So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
