Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
