Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
