cat food counts as protein by the way
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
