I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I can't put those talents on a resume
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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