i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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