I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
