Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
