someone threw a dead crab at me
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
