Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
