i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
