I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
