An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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