I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
