You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
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