Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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