if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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