I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Man, jail baloney is awful.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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