if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
