she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
