Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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