I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
