I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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