My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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