I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
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