i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
