meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
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i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
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You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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