Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
