Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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