it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
