New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
