Are we in a gay sports bar?
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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