So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
