i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
