There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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