I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
