She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
