I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
