He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
