I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
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So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
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I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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