Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
