I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
