Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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